Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Top 5 Best and Worst Halloween Candies

Halloween is amazing. You get to dress up as Hulk Hogan (like I did when I was 6), walk around knocking on people's doors, and they have to give you candy because you're so awesome. They comment about how great your costume is (because remember, you're Hulk Hogan), and then you get to go to the next house and do it again. It's an evening filled with junk food and compliments, and that's all Hulk Hogan wants. Of course, being 28 and childless, I can't exactly go trick-or-treating anymore unless I want to be that guy, but I still get to enjoy the leftover Halloween candy. Funny enough, the same candies that were being doled out to me 20 years ago are still in circulation. I see them every year, and sometimes I wonder how that candy company is still around. We all have fond Halloween memories, and I wanted to rank my top 5 favorite and least favorite Halloween candies.

Top 5 Worst

5. Gum

If you give gum as a Halloween treat, then every kid that you saw hates your guts. For starters, it's never anything good, like Mango Tango Stride. Secondly, the flavor lasts no more than 8 seconds. I can get gum any day of the year, why would I want gum for Halloween? In the time it takes me to be disappointed by another piece of Bazooka I could have eaten three fun size Kit Kats.

4. Good and Plenty

Everything about Good and Plenty is aesthetically unpleasing to the eye. That weird off-purple and white combo is just gross. It classifies itself as licorice candy, but it should instead be classified as butt candy, because it tastes like a giant butt. You want to give me licorice candy? Give me Twizzlers, because Twizzlers don't suck. Not to mention that these candies look an awful lot like drugs.

3. Now and Later

Do you want your gums to bleed? Do you want your teeth to break? Do you enjoy chewing on bricks? Then Now and Later is your game, son! They deceive you with what they call "flavors" and then shape and wrap it in such a way as to make you think you're about to eat something awesome like Starburst. Very cunning, indeed.

2. Tootsie Rolls

I like Tootsie Rolls, but not for Halloween. Much like gum, I can get them any time that I want. As a matter of fact, I can get a Tootsie Roll every time I go to Planet Fitness, because they have a tub full at the front entrance, and eating candy is always the best thing to do after walking very slowly on a treadmill for 12 minutes. To add insult to injury, during Halloween time they add different flavors. Are you kidding me? I don't want an orange Tootsie Roll, I prefer my Tootsie Rolls to look like poop.

1. Smarties

Smarties are the worst candy of all-time. I've never liked them, not even as a child, and children like everything that's technically considered a candy. I don't think Smarties actually exist between November and September, and then, come October 1st, they just sort of congeal into a solid mass of pill-shaped, vaguely Sweet Tart-flavored disgustingness. If someone offers me Smarties, I open the package and throw every piece back into their face and then backhand them like they just insulted my wife's honor.

That's enough anger, let's talk about 5 reasons why Halloween is awesome.

Top 5 Best

5. Starburst

I know that Skittles have the "Taste the Rainbow" tagline, but Starburst is the real king of fruit candy. I've never been a huge fan of fruit-flavored candy because I legitimately love almost every fruit, but Starburst gets it right. Not too hard, not too soft, even though pink has been designated the Starburst alpha flavor, you really can't go wrong with any Starburst, even the orange ones.

4. Milky Way

This seems to be a pretty controversial choice for some reason. I didn't realize there was so much Milky Way hate in the world. Now, Milky Ways aren't one of those candy bars that I would buy when I'm checking out at the grocery store or a gas station, but whenever I see a fun-size Milky Way, I'm all over that thing. I will say that you should stay away from the dark chocolate Milky Way, or the all caramel Milky Way, but the original formula is still great. Sometimes you get it right the first time.

3. Snickers

I once read that Snickers were the most popular candy bar in the world. It's not that surprising, I don't know anyone that doesn't love the combination of chocolate, caramel, peanuts, and nougat. I'm not even sure what nougat is, but I know that I love any candy bar that comes with it (Fast Break, represent). I've tried 4 different types of Snickers bars in my life: original, 3x Chocolate, Almond, and Peanut Butter Squared. All of them are incredible, especially the peanut butter, speaking of peanut butter...

2. Reese's Cups

Chocolate and peanut butter is, quite simply, the single greatest combination ever conceived for consumption. The only reason it's not number one on my list is because I can get it all year round, and my number one is seasonal, which somehow makes it taste better. Why does that make sense? Because your psychological being lies to your biological being, that's why. Your mind is all like "HEY, WE CAN ONLY GET THESE IN A VERY LIMITED WINDOW OF TIME, THAT MAKES IT BETTER!" and your taste buds are all like "I AGREE!" Your mind is sometimes your greatest foe.

1. Pumpkins

If you hipsters are allowed to get pumped up for pumpkin spice lattes, then I'm allowed to get pumped up for Halloween pumpkins. I'm not exactly sure what the name of them are, I've always just referred to them as 'candy corn pumpkins' because, well, because that's what they freaking are (I also like candy corn, so suck it, haters). Candy corn pumpkins are to Halloween what the 3-flavored popcorn tins are to Christmas. They only show up at a certain time of the year, but they make it all worth the wait the first time you sink your teeth into the creme goodness.

1 comment:

  1. Candy Corn is Satan's dick, and Pumpkins are Satan's ass! Never speak to me again.