Initially, this blog was titled "The X Most Unappreciated Mario Characters." It didn't take long before I realized that it was basically just me talking about why Blargg is so awesome (by the way, Blargg is awesome). I've been going through a bad spell of writer's block recently, I just couldn't come up with any good topics, and unappreciated Mario characters seemed like a very basic idea just to get me out of my funk. But, the more I wrote, the more I hated it, so I decided to hit the big DELETE key and start back at square one. I looked up from my screen to see some old wrestling footage on the tube. Even though I've retired from the wrestling business, I found in that moment that writing about wrestling is usually my best stuff, and the WWE Network has been a Godsend for someone like me. I've been watching so much 80s and 90s wrestling it's ridiculous.
Watching those larger-than-life, Herculean-esque masses of humanity, and then staring at the failed blog in front of me, I knew then what needed to be done. Each Koopaling (or Koopa Kid, if you prefer) has a distinct personality and unique traits, much like the wrestling days of old. So I went through and compared each Koopaling to his or her pro wrestling doppelganger. Let us begin...
Out of all the Koopalings, Larry was the hardest one for me to find a counterpart to. There wasn't any wrestler that immediately stuck out like the rest, so I actually had to do some research (i.e. the Mario wiki). What I found is that in the Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3 official guide, Larry is pointed to as being Bowser's favorite, So naturally, I took that to mean that he's the closest of all the original Koopa kids to being a son to Bowser. Who better to compare him to than the son of the King Koopa of wrestling, Shane McMahon?
Morton is the enforcer of the Koopalings, the muscle. He also has a star on his face, making him look a lot like Paul Stanley of KISS, but since I'm comparing the Koopalings to pro wrestlers and not untalented singers of overrated bands, I'm going to go with one of the most powerful and intimidating wrestlers of all-time: Vader. Vader was an absolute brute, and even though his WWE career was nothing to write home about, during his days in WCW and Japan (and Boy Meets World) he was one of the most dominant wrestlers in the game. Morton's has his star, Vader has his mask. Morton shakes the room, Vader shakes the ring. IT'S MORTON TIME!
I'll be honest, I'm a little scared to write anything here. The Eugene gimmick was that of a person with a mental handicap, and while the man playing the role, Nick Dinsmore, did a masterful job portraying the character, it's still a tough thing to write about without sounding insensitive. I tried to find pictures of each character and let them do the talking for me...and that's exactly what I'm going to do. So, yeah, Lemmy and Eugene. The end.
This one wasn't even close. The moment I started comparing the kids to wrestlers, "Sensational" Sherri was the only possible choice for Wendy. For you younger wrestling fans who may not know Sherri, she was the heel valet. Think about any female that managed heels in wrestling history, and they don't hold a candle to Sherri, and as far as I'm concerned, Wendy O. Koopa is the first lady when it comes to Mario enemies. I don't care how many female antagonists have appeared in Mario games, whether it be the standard platformers or the RPGs, Wendy takes the cake.
Ludwig Von is the brains of the Koopaling gang, so two wrestlers immediately came to mind: "The Genius" Lanny Poffo, and Harvard graduate Chris Nowinski. The Genius won out for several reasons: 1) Nowinski's entire character depth consisted of "I went to Harvard, therefore, I'm smarter than you." 2) The Genius was more entertaining. 3) The Genius is Randy Savage's brother. And 4) The Genius didn't just tell you how smart he was, he would show you. He would read poems before matches, showing off his arrogance, and I believe Ludwig would be the type to not only boast about his superiority, but prove it as well.
Iggy is a dork. Vergil is also a dork. Next.
That comparison photo pretty much says it all, doesn't it? Roy, much like Jesse Ventura, is the perfect blend of style and machismo. Like his brother Morton, Roy is a powerhouse, but he's about more than just showing off his muscles. When Roy brings the hammer down, he does it with pizzazz. I could easily see Roy Koopa fighting alongside Schwarzenegger in a future Predator film.
For lack of a better phrase, I'm going to have to go a little "insider baseball" on you here. While Erik Watts had a respectable career, it would not have happened if it weren't for his father. "Cowboy" Bill Watts is an old-timer, and at one point in time was the booker for WCW, and he pushed his son, Erik, to the top, even though he had no right to be there, and fans didn't care about him whatsoever. That's what I think of when I think of Bowser Jr. No one likes him, and the only reason he's had his 15 minutes is because his daddy is calling the shots.
Hey...thanks for reading. You're awesome.