It’s no secret that I’m a diehard fan of The Simpsons. In my opinion, there has never been a greater television show, and I would test my knowledge of the show against anyone in the world. With that said, I thought it would be fun to go on eBay and just search for the most random pieces of Simpsons merchandise that I could find.
If you go to eBay and just type in “The Simpsons,” you want to know how many results there are? A lot. When I put the “items per page” up to the maximum of 200, there were over 60 pages to go through, meaning there was over 12,000 results. I went through the first 10 pages. I scanned a total of 2,000 pieces of Simpsons merchandise and picked the 15 that stuck out the most. Some are weird, some are awesome, and I want all of them.
15. The Simpsons Cereal
This isn’t very weird, a lot of television series have had cereal tie-ins, like Urkel-Os and Fruity Pebbles. The Homer’s Cinnamon Donuts and Bart’s Peanut Butter Crunch cereals would have been something I would actually eat and probably enjoy. However, the Krusty-Os, which are an actual cereal in the Simpsons show, I’m not so sure about. Whenever Krusty plugs his cereal on the show, there’s often horrifying disclaimers on the box, and there’s even an episode based on Bart eating some and needing to get his appendix removed. But I will say that the art on the box is a nice touch.
14. Homer at the Bat Figurines
Figurines specifically based on one of my top 5 favorite episodes? Count me in. The only downside of this is that it only features regular Simpsons characters like Homer and Mr. Burns, and doesn’t include any of the real baseball players used in the episode like Ken Griffey, Jr. or Wade Boggs. I would have loved it if they included a figure of Don Mattingly after he shaved off his “sideburns.”
13. Chia Pet Homer
This doesn’t make sense to me. Homer Simpson is bald, therefore, you shouldn’t be able to grow “hair” out of his head unless you’re using Dimoxinil. I’ve never understood Chia Pets, or plants in general, as you have to take care of them and they do nothing for you in return. You can’t snuggle a Chia Pet the way you can an actual pet, and if you do, you’re weird. Regardless, the pot looks like Homer Simpson, so I’m adding it to my wish list.
12. Krusty the Klown Corkscrew
Wait, it’s a statue of Krusty the Klown that I can take the head off of and use as a weapon? Sold. I don’t drink, so I literally have to practical reason for wanting this, but in case you haven’t been paying attention to what you’re reading, I like The Simpsons, and that’s reason enough for me.
11. Simpsons Driver’s Licenses
Still scratching my head on this one. A few years ago, a friend of mine bought me a novelty credit card with my name on it that was made to look like I was a member of Umbrella Corporation (Resident Evil for life!), but this is different. First of all, only two of the five people pictured are old enough to even have driver’s licenses. Second of all, this serves no purpose. At least with my Umbrella card it has my name on it and I can pretend I’m much more awesome than I actually am. What do I do with these? Am I going to fool the police with a Lisa Simpson driver’s license? I still want these, but only if they’re given to me, and even then, only if the person giving them to me got them for free. Wait a minute, it doesn't have their Evergreen Terrace address on them. Nevermind, take them back.
10. Maggie Simpson Head Backpack
This is pretty much the creepiest backpack (scratch that, the creepiest THING) I’ve ever seen, and it’s almost worth it based on that fact alone. Hey, you want to carry around the decapitated head of a cartoon baby? Well, here’s your chance.
9. Simpsons Cuckoo Clock
This is the first thing on the list that I must own. There’s just no two ways about it. At some point in time, I will own a house, I will have a den, and this thing will tell me every time the new hour begins. Also, it talks! I don’t know what Homer says, but I’m sure it’s brilliant.
8. Simpsons Vinyl Figures
These things are so weird. If they weren’t colored yellow, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell that they’re supposed to be Simpsons characters. But I must admit that they’re pretty darn cute, especially the Krusty the Klown with his adorable little smile. The figures remind me of the Japanese TV show Shin Chan.
7. “Blame It On Lisa” Episode Script
I’m not sure if this is a legitimate product or not. Anyone with rudimentary typing skills and this episode of The Simpsons could slap this together, make a cover page, and sell it as real, so I have my doubts. If it’s real, however, it’s a piece of Simpsons history. If it’s real, it means one of the voice actors had this in front of them as they spoke their lines, that may not seem like a big deal if you’re not a nerd, but for Simpsons fanatics like me, it would be something to treasure until the end of days.
6. Bart Simpson RC Skateboard
If I wake up on Christmas morning, and this is under the tree, that’s a wrap on the rest of the day. I will suddenly turn into an 8-year-old, open this up, take it outside and play with it. I will make ramps out of cinder blocks and plywood, and after I make Bart Simpson jump off of it, I’m going to say “Coooooool!!!”
5. Homer Simpson Luchador Plush
It’s pretty obvious why I love this so much. I love The Simpsons, I love professional wrestling, and here they are together, at last. Granted, they did release a video game called Simpsons Wrestling back on the original PlayStation, but the less said about that, the better. This plush won’t traumatize me nearly as much as that game did. Homer also bears a striking resemblance to Nacho Libre.
4. Simpsons Easy Bake Oven
Homer Simpson loves donuts, so they created a product enabling you to do the same. It’s a pretty good idea: Step 1. Take beloved child’s toy and slap The Simpson’s name on it. Step 2. Hookers and blow. Seems solid.
3. Simpsons Gold
Speaking of solid, how about some solid gold? Eh?…eh? Essentially, this is a bar of really cheap gold with the trademark Simpson’s couch gag engraved into it. I don’t know who thought of this or why they thought it was a good idea, but I am living proof that there are some really stupid Simpson’s fans in the world that will pay for it anyway.
2. Bart Simpson Phone
This is another one of those items that serves no functional purpose for me because I haven’t used a home telephone in probably about six years. As soon as I saw this, it immediately reminded me of how awesome toys used to be when I was a kid. The early 90s were the bomb when it came to toys. Also, Bart’s eyes flash when it rings. When was the last time your phone did anything cool when it rang? Sure, it’ll play that terrible song you love so much, but does your phone have eyes that light up? Didn’t think so.
1. Simpsons Mighty Beanz
Lastly, we have.....beanz? I have no earthly idea what these are, but I know that I want them. One problem, there’s only one person on eBay selling them…for $2,000. I’m sorry, but no beans, oh, excuse me, beanZ, are worth $2,000. I’m guessing that replacing the “s” with a “z” drives up the market value about $1,995. I still find these to be pretty cool, whatever they are. After doing a little research, I found that Mighty Beanz was a toy manufactured by Moose Enterprises, which is based in Australia and was launched in 2002 and lasted until 2006, and then re-launched in 2010. They also had other licenses like Pokemon and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and apparently these licensed beanz are extremely rare and collectible. I don’t really understand the appeal or even what you’re supposed to do with them (apparently you can race them if you want to), but it’s sad that they can put some Simpsons characters on them and suddenly they are something I really, really…REALLY want.
In closing, purple monkey dishwasher.