5 Awesome Moments From the Best Monster Movie Ever Made

I wasn't planning on writing anything else for Halloween, but the call beckons me to march on. People always make a big deal about monster movies, so I wanted to talk about my all-time favorite, The Monster Squad. For those poor, uninitiated few, it was a movie about a group of pre-teens in the late 80s who form a club to take out the forces of evil. Why do monsters just suddenly show up in this small town? Because, reasons. The film has become a cult classic over the years, and for me, is one of those movies that I loved as a kid and will still watch frequently today. In my opinion, it has the most terrifying Wolfman ever put on film, and Duncan Regehr gives one of the best portrayals of Dracula that you'll ever see, and that's not just me, he's received legitimate praise for the role from reputable critics. It also has Jason Hervey and the guy who played Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite, so that's also something.

Of course, being a late 80s action/horror/comedy, it has its fair share of ridiculous (i.e. awesome) moments, but I've limited myself to just 5 (or 6) for the sake of the readers, too much 80s stimuli is enough to kill a man.

Honorable Mention: The Answer to the Question of Wolfman's Manhood

If you've ever seen the movie, you know this amazing line, and I'll just leave it at that.

5. Greatest Montage Ever

This has got to be the most 80s thing ever. That song, kids making bullets in class and not a single teacher finding it suspicious, that kid bobbing his head to show you how much he rocks, it's just perfect. Rocky had its fair share of corny montages (let us not forget when Rocky and Apollo run on the beach in booty shorts), but if you want one that will make you laugh and shake your head at the same time, look no further.

4. Mummy Came in my House

This scene is actually kind of endearing. It shows a child's innocence and his father's love for him. In hindsight, it's a terribly telegraphed gag, but when I was a child, I thought it was really scary. I mean, the mummy is right there! Look! Just look, you idiot! He's going to get you! RUN!

3. Transformation

I know An American Werewolf in London has the most well-known transformation in horror, but I think this one deserves some credit. The fanatical man trying to help the police, only to be denied and subsequently transform while still on the phone. How would that not freak you out if you were on the other end of that line? The foaming at the mouth is always cool, the movement of the cheekbones and hair growth, and then the way he demolishes the phone booth, it's all so metal. Then he lets out that roar and you know things are about to go down.

2. Dracula is Terrifying

I think the reason Regehr is so good as Dracula is because he remains so calm and reserved throughout the film, the quiet evil. It's so effective that once he finally snaps and flares his fangs, it's legitimately scary. Fun fact: Ashley Bank, who plays the little girl in the scene, wasn't told that Regehr was going to have his fangs and contacts in, and her screams of fear are completely real. Today, that would be called 'child abuse.'

1. Wolfman's Death and Resurrection

Just watch this, and watch the entire thing. This is easily the best 3 minutes in the movie.

Awesome.

Thanks for reading.

-Dustin

Top 5 Best and Worst Halloween Candies

Halloween is amazing. You get to dress up as Hulk Hogan (like I did when I was 6), walk around knocking on people's doors, and they have to give you candy because you're so awesome. They comment about how great your costume is (because remember, you're Hulk Hogan), and then you get to go to the next house and do it again. It's an evening filled with junk food and compliments, and that's all Hulk Hogan wants. Of course, being 28 and childless, I can't exactly go trick-or-treating anymore unless I want to be that guy, but I still get to enjoy the leftover Halloween candy. Funny enough, the same candies that were being doled out to me 20 years ago are still in circulation. I see them every year, and sometimes I wonder how that candy company is still around. We all have fond Halloween memories, and I wanted to rank my top 5 favorite and least favorite Halloween candies.

Top 5 Worst

5. Gum

If you give gum as a Halloween treat, then every kid that you saw hates your guts. For starters, it's never anything good, like Mango Tango Stride. Secondly, the flavor lasts no more than 8 seconds. I can get gum any day of the year, why would I want gum for Halloween? In the time it takes me to be disappointed by another piece of Bazooka I could have eaten three fun size Kit Kats.

4. Good and Plenty

Everything about Good and Plenty is aesthetically unpleasing to the eye. That weird off-purple and white combo is just gross. It classifies itself as licorice candy, but it should instead be classified as butt candy, because it tastes like a giant butt. You want to give me licorice candy? Give me Twizzlers, because Twizzlers don't suck. Not to mention that these candies look an awful lot like drugs.

3. Now and Later

Do you want your gums to bleed? Do you want your teeth to break? Do you enjoy chewing on bricks? Then Now and Later is your game, son! They deceive you with what they call "flavors" and then shape and wrap it in such a way as to make you think you're about to eat something awesome like Starburst. Very cunning, indeed.

2. Tootsie Rolls

I like Tootsie Rolls, but not for Halloween. Much like gum, I can get them any time that I want. As a matter of fact, I can get a Tootsie Roll every time I go to Planet Fitness, because they have a tub full at the front entrance, and eating candy is always the best thing to do after walking very slowly on a treadmill for 12 minutes. To add insult to injury, during Halloween time they add different flavors. Are you kidding me? I don't want an orange Tootsie Roll, I prefer my Tootsie Rolls to look like poop.

1. Smarties

Smarties are the worst candy of all-time. I've never liked them, not even as a child, and children like everything that's technically considered a candy. I don't think Smarties actually exist between November and September, and then, come October 1st, they just sort of congeal into a solid mass of pill-shaped, vaguely Sweet Tart-flavored disgustingness. If someone offers me Smarties, I open the package and throw every piece back into their face and then backhand them like they just insulted my wife's honor.

That's enough anger, let's talk about 5 reasons why Halloween is awesome.

Top 5 Best

5. Starburst

I know that Skittles have the "Taste the Rainbow" tagline, but Starburst is the real king of fruit candy. I've never been a huge fan of fruit-flavored candy because I legitimately love almost every fruit, but Starburst gets it right. Not too hard, not too soft, even though pink has been designated the Starburst alpha flavor, you really can't go wrong with any Starburst, even the orange ones.

4. Milky Way

This seems to be a pretty controversial choice for some reason. I didn't realize there was so much Milky Way hate in the world. Now, Milky Ways aren't one of those candy bars that I would buy when I'm checking out at the grocery store or a gas station, but whenever I see a fun-size Milky Way, I'm all over that thing. I will say that you should stay away from the dark chocolate Milky Way, or the all caramel Milky Way, but the original formula is still great. Sometimes you get it right the first time.

3. Snickers

I once read that Snickers were the most popular candy bar in the world. It's not that surprising, I don't know anyone that doesn't love the combination of chocolate, caramel, peanuts, and nougat. I'm not even sure what nougat is, but I know that I love any candy bar that comes with it (Fast Break, represent). I've tried 4 different types of Snickers bars in my life: original, 3x Chocolate, Almond, and Peanut Butter Squared. All of them are incredible, especially the peanut butter, speaking of peanut butter...

2. Reese's Cups

Chocolate and peanut butter is, quite simply, the single greatest combination ever conceived for consumption. The only reason it's not number one on my list is because I can get it all year round, and my number one is seasonal, which somehow makes it taste better. Why does that make sense? Because your psychological being lies to your biological being, that's why. Your mind is all like "HEY, WE CAN ONLY GET THESE IN A VERY LIMITED WINDOW OF TIME, THAT MAKES IT BETTER!" and your taste buds are all like "I AGREE!" Your mind is sometimes your greatest foe.

1. Pumpkins

If you hipsters are allowed to get pumped up for pumpkin spice lattes, then I'm allowed to get pumped up for Halloween pumpkins. I'm not exactly sure what the name of them are, I've always just referred to them as 'candy corn pumpkins' because, well, because that's what they freaking are (I also like candy corn, so suck it, haters). Candy corn pumpkins are to Halloween what the 3-flavored popcorn tins are to Christmas. They only show up at a certain time of the year, but they make it all worth the wait the first time you sink your teeth into the creme goodness.

The 10 Most Awesome Goosebumps Covers

Last week I counted down the top 10 most ridiculous covers from the classic children horror novel series, Goosebumps. The thing about Goosebumps is that, for every dumb cover they had, they also had an awesome one that made you want to read the story inside. So for this entry, I've picked my 10 favorite covers. So let's get started...

10. Monster Blood II

I never really cared much for the Monster Blood series of stories, but they must have made R.L. Stine a good amount of money, because he made 4 of them. I can't speak to the quality of the tales, because it's been almost 20 years since I last read a Goosebumps book, but just going by the covers, this has to be the best Monster Blood of them all. Look at it, it's a giant hampster, and he just looks so happy. Monster blood makes dreams come true.

9. Egg Monsters From Mars

That deformed chicken placenta looks mighty angry, with angry egg-brows and everything. This gets bonus points for the fact that R.L. Stine managed to write a horror story about freaking eggs!

8. A Night in Terror Tower

This cover is great because of the simplicity. Looking at it now reminds me of games like Resident Evil 3: Nemesis or Amnesia: The Dark Descent. I don't remember if this guy is the only villain in the story, but the idea of being pursued by someone is quite terrifying, especially if that dude looks like Quasimodo wearing an executioner's mask and wielding a giant axe.

7. Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes

I love that these lawn gnomes are drawn to look like a couple of toughs straight out of a 1960s musical. They look like they should be leaning on a hot rod and smoking Camels.

6. Night of the Living Dummy III

The Night of the Living Dummy stories were my absolute favorite Goosebumps stories. I don't know why, I just loved them, the idea of a living ventriloquist dummy was very intriguing to me as a child. And what's better than a living dummy (because I know you're asking)? Ten living dummies. That's ten times the HORROR!!! However, I remember in the TV series that the dummy actually looked more like Gabbo from The Simpsons than he did Slappy from these books.

5. The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight

When I was at the height of my Goosebumps fandom, I was also really big into the Scary Stories series, and this cover, along with the story "Harold" from Scary Stories taught me to be terrified of scarecrows. It also elicits memories of Children of the Corn, even though the two stories are completely different.

4. Attack of the Mutant

I've never been into reading comic books, but I love comic book characters. I remember reading this story and thinking that it reminded me of the Sega Genesis game, Comix Zone, even though this story is the opposite of the game, where the comic book character comes into the real world instead of the other way around. The character pictured here just looks awesome, that's why I included it. Shut up, I don't need another reason.

3. You Can't Scare Me

On the TV series, the mud monsters from this episode look completely ridiculous. Here, however, they look terrifying. They look like they want to eat your soul, they also look like Swamp Thing, which gives them an increase in awesomeness.

2. The Curse of Camp Cold Lake

This is probably the only Goosebumps cover that could actually scare a little child. It looks like it could be the poster of a legitimate horror film. This was one of the last Goosebumps books in the original series run, and even though the story was done to death in the series (this is the 4th one about a kid at camp), it's one of the more memorable covers there is. Also, this cover reminds me of Skeletor at the post-credits scene in the live-action Masters of the Universe film, and that's never a bad thing.

1. The Werewolf of Fever Swamp

This is the definitive Goosebumps cover. Whenever I think of the series, I immediately have this image pop into my head. It's so awesome, even today. You got the full moon, that B.A. wolf, the pale purple of the sky, the bubbling swamp, and some poor child's clothes...which somehow were untouched before the wolf decided to devour him. Now, let us remember how awesome this cover is while listening to "Bark at the Moon."

The 10 Most Ridiculous Goosebumps Covers

I, much like everyone my age, grew up with the children's horror novel series, Goosebumps. For those of you who are younger (or older) and never experienced them, they're basic horror storytelling: There's a pre-teen kid (who is usually the narrator), there's a monster/ghost/pedophile that starts creeping on them, it happens at school/camp/grandpa's, their parents/guardians don't believe them, then they have do something or other to make it stop, and there's usually a twist at the end where someone is transformed into something/was an alien/it was all a joke/dream. Every story had the same basic outline, but I was obsessed with them. To this day, I still own every single one of the original run of the series.

So for Halloween, I'm going to write a few articles about them. The series turned into a franchise, with a television series that ran for four seasons, three videogames, and there was even talks of a film in 1998 being directed by Tim Burton (thank God that didn't happen). There were knock-offs, like the Strange Matter series, and we also had Fear Street, however, Fear Street and Goosebumps both have the same author, R.L. Stine, so that was more of a spin-off.

They were stupid, but they were fun. The best part was the cover art, I used to sit there and just stare at them. I went back and looked at some, and while some of them were awesome (that will be listed in the next part), some of them were just a little bit cheesy.

10. Say Cheese and Die - Again!

The original Say Cheese and Die features the same cover, but with the family at a cookout. This one is better simply because there's a skeleton dog being fed table scraps. Even the turkey that the family is about to indulge in is bare bones. That evil camera spares nobody!

Fun fact: In the Say Cheese and Die episode of the television series, Ryan Gosling plays the main character.

9. The Barking Ghost

This was the 32nd book in the Goosebumps series, and I'm absolutely amazed that it took R.L. Stine 31 other books before he finally thought "How about a ghost...dog?" This dog is not in any way, shape, or form intimidating. It looks like a young child is wearing a dog mask, and I submit that any dog with ears that floppy can't possibly hurt you.

8. My Hairiest Adventure

It's called puberty, kid, and there's a lot worse things that are going to happen than a little hair growth. Seriously though, this story is about a kid that puts on some expired tanning lotion and starts turning into a dog, or something. How is that scary to kids? When I was that age, turning into a dog sounded like the coolest thing that could ever happen to me.

7. Calling All Creeps!

I don't know why, but I like to imagine these guys speaking in Jersey accents.

"Hey yo, is yo refrigerator runnin'? It is? Well then you better go catch it you stupid gavone."

"Good one, dude!"

6. Beware, The Snowman

Yes, tremble in fear of this very basic snowman that can in no way harm you...because it's a snowman, and you can literally break his arms if he tries anything. Also, it's a SNOWMAN!

5. Piano Lessons Can Be Murder

For any Angry Video Game Nerd fans, perhaps you've seen his episode of a game called Plumbers Don't Wear Ties. This cover art reminds me of that game because it's so boring and dumb, like it was made using clip art. The story itself is actually a pretty creepy one, it's about a piano instructor who takes the hands of his stupids so that he can play forever. It turns out the instructor is a robot, because of course he is.

4. The Blob That Ate Everyone

I think of two things whenever I see this.

1) That's Krang.

2)...

3. Chicken Chicken

Seriously, look how ridiculous that is. I never read any of the later books because I entered junior high and I considered Goosebumps to be kid stuff, but the collector in me had to keep getting them. So I never got around to reading this one, but to be fair, if you had the chance to turn a ginger into a chicken and eat them, you would take it, too.

2. The Horror at Camp Jellyjam

First, I can't be scared of a place called "Jellyjam." Second, I can't be scared of someone that reminds me of Pat from Saturday Night Live. Third, give me the Decal of Doom.

1. Why I'm Afraid of Bees

This was a very early Goosebumps book, but I never read it. I also remember that it was the last one that I purchased because I knew, solely based on the flat-topped child, that it was going to be stupid. From the terrible pun of a tagline "He's no ordinary human bee-ing..." to the fact that the cover gives away the entirety of the story, this has to go down as the most ridiculous Goosebumps cover ever.

Join me next week when I rank my top 10 BEST Goosebumps covers.