Saturday, January 28, 2017

The 5 Best Relationships in Pro Wrestling History

Professional wrestling can be weird. But if you're reading this, then you're probably a pro wrestling fan, and you're already well aware of that. We can joke about giant, oily men rolling around with each other in their underwear, but sometimes it's even more bizarre than that. Sometimes love blooms on the battlefield, and that's the case with these pairings. These are my picks for the 5 best relationships in professional wrestling history, beginning, as always, with an honorable mention.

Honorable Mention
"Macho Man" Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth

Macho Man and Liz get the honorable mention spot because, while they were an on-screen couple, they were also a real life couple, which disqualifies them. Professional wrestling is a work, everybody. Ain't no room for real life up in here.

Perry Saturn & Moppy

Perry "Ol' Crazy Eye" Saturn was an interesting cat. Actually, no. No, he wasn't. I watched wrestling during the entire span that he was an active wrestler and I literally remember two things about his career: being the odd man out in The Radicalz, and his romantic relationship with a mop.

If you asked me if he was in Raven's Flock, I would probably say yes. If you asked me if he was ever in the New World Order, I would probably say yes to that too, because I have no idea what the guy did. Wikipedia tells me he had a pretty decent career, so good for him.

His crowning achievement.

The Saturn and Moppy relationship came about because of an angle wherein Saturn received head trauma and began to believe that the mop was a real person. With all the controversy over concussions these days, I don't think this kind of angle would fly in today's WWE.

In all seriousness, this story, though completely ridiculous, was pretty entertaining. It also ended tragically when Moppy was murdered by a being thrown into a wood chipper.

Billy & Chuck

I thought Billy & Chuck was such a great gimmick. The moment where they revealed that they got each other matching headbands as gifts was nothing short of brilliant. The pair began teaming at the tail end of the "Invasion" in the early 2000s, and soon thereafter they added Rico as their personal stylist.

I remember this gimmick getting under so many people's skin. Keep in mind that this was a less politically correct era than the one we live in today, and even though homosexuality was accepted, it wasn't as prominent in our culture. Chuck eventually "proposed" to Billy to be partners for life. It drew a lot of publicity from media outlets, and GLAAD was even consulted on how the story would play out.

During their ceremony, Billy and Chuck revealed that they were not, in fact, homosexuals, and were just pledging their allegiance to each other strictly as tag team partners (upsetting GLAAD in the process). Shortly after, Eric Bischoff revealed himself to be the Pastor presiding over the ceremony and 3-Minute Warning crashed the party.

The team died shortly thereafter when Billy Gunn was forced out of action with an injury, but Billy & Chuck was a very memorable gimmick and brought new life to both men's careers. I think there's still room for a good bromance gimmick.

Mark Henry & Mae Young

Mark Henry is a giant, black, Olympic weightlifter. Mae Young was a former women's wrestler who smoked 5 packs a day and was old enough to have babysat George Washington. At one point, you started to worry about Mae. That broad (I use that term in an endearing way) would do anything that was asked of her. She'd wrestle two grizzly bears if you asked her to, and she would do it on a house show.

This relationship was fun television right up until the time they said that Mae Young was pregnant. There were only a couple of ways this could have played out. She could have lost the baby, which would have been tragic. Or she could have revealed that it wasn't Mark's baby, leading into a feud over Mae's heart.

But it didn't play out that way. No, not at all. Mae Young...she gave birth alright.

It's a boy?

She gave birth to a hand. Let that sink in. Mae Young--133 years young at the time--gave birth to a happy, healthy, human hand. Wait, I just realized that that hand is white. That harlot! She was cheating on Mark.

Al Snow & Head

What does everybody want? Don't answer that.
What does everybody need? Don't answer that.
What does everybody love? Oh, please, don't answer that.

Al Snow and Head always had a "will they, won't they" thing going on. We tuned in every week to see what events would unfold in their complicated relationship. Whether Al was pouring out his heart or venting his frustrations, Head just sat quietly, providing a loving ear for which Al could express himself openly without condemnation.

The "Head" gimmick originated in ECW and gave new life to a very talented wrestler who was being hindered by the fact that his character at the time was about as exciting as a block of wood. Then Head came around, and the world got to see Al Snow's natural charisma and humor come out.

Kane & Katie Vick

Hey guys, remember when the WWE thought it was in good taste to have Triple H accuse Kane of being a necrophiliac? Remember when it was alright for Triple H to have mock sex with a mannequin in a casket wearing a Kane mask? Remember when he used the phrase "I screwed your brains out?"

Ahh, the good old days. Keep in mind this was back before Kane was ever unmasked, so we still thought that Kane was a burn victim, which means that Katie Vick had a beautiful heart and could see him for the man he truly was. It's a Beauty and the Beast sort of thing. Then Triple H accuses Kane of violating her corpse after she died in a car wreck.

Let me repeat that in case you weren't paying attention the first two times I said it.


Something tells me Vince McMahon wouldn't approve this on Raw in 2017. Of course, you all know how it went from there. Kane wound up losing to Triple H because that's what everyone did in 2002, got unmasked, it turned out that the scars from his burns were "emotional," he wrestled for another hundred years, and became a political activist.

Triple H went on to have 157 title reigns and star in The Chaperone.

Katie Vick was never heard from again.

To reiterate my opening statement: professional wrestling is pretty weird. Outside of Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth, all of these amazing couples and the drama surrounding them happened during roughly the same window, the early 2000s. The WWE had just purchased WCW and ECW, so the competition was gone, and some of these guys just needed something to do.

With no one to challenge the McMahon empire and the Attitude Era coming to a close, it seemed like everyone was sort of taking their foot off the pedal and relaxing for a bit, and what resulted was some crazy, sometimes groundbreaking, sometimes disgusting story lines.

Thanks for reading,

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